Some days are better than others, which means some are worse. My mind goes back to memories, elaborates possibilities, lives made up situations over and over like trying to find the perfect combination of events.

When I was a kid I always wanted to have a backpack full of all the necessities to survive. I guess I always been a Prepper in a way. I remember laying in my bed at night before falling asleep imagining the backpack and all the pockets to the most minute details. Most of times was spent imagining the supplies, tools and all the items and exactly how they would have packed. Then I would repeat the whole process to memorize what I had in my imaginary backpack. I remember rearranging as I was thinking at different or additional items. Maybe it was a form of OCD, but it helped me fall asleep. 

... mmm ... or maybe it kept me awake longer. Details.

I am doing the same now, often without even consciously doing it: where could it happen, under what circumstances, what would I say, how would I answer ... go back a few steps and redo trying to get a better outcome. I doubt there is a chance it will ever happen anyway. I promise I would not bother her anymore or call or search for her. As hard as it is, I have to maintain that promise. I already broke it once sending a short happy birthday text for her daughter. I felt it would have been rude not to at least remember her birthday. It was completely ignored anyway so that is a good indication that I am not even taken into consideration. Better that way. Makes it easy to maintain that promise.
I know it is my mind making all these fantasies up, but I feel sometimes my mind has a "mind" of its own. Is that the definition of crazy?

If that is the case, than I have always been like this, which makes it my normal state. Hence, I am normal. HAHA

The basic thing is that I hope she is doing well and that Life is been nice to her. Of course I still care. My feelings have not changed even if I am still hurting; even if they do not matter anymore.