What a weird sensation.

I have been struggling from time to time with a lost friendship and letting my feelings settle down. Most of the times I am ok and I think I have made peace with myself; some days I just dwell on it again like the past couple of days. Sometimes my mind just wonders, I daydream listening to music and just end up sad and hurting myself (at a metaphorical level). It is hard when you deeply care for a person and there is no reciprocation.       <<< Yes, this is a strange word and I had to go check if it even existed

Last night I had a very vivid dream. Obviously it was my subconscious kicking my ass, I realize that, but it put the whole situation in the correct contest.

We were staying in a house inside a military base (yes, military environment are still prominent in my dreams). There were guards at the gates, but we could move freely in and out with just a photo ID. I was not in the military so I have no idea why we were there. I believe it was just a framework as it did not have anything to do with anything else in the dream. She seemed ok, but she was sending me out to get her different things. I remember Sprite and chocolate, for which I had to go outside the camp. It was all a ruse to not have me around. Of course I was trying to make her happy and i was going on these time consuming errands.

That night we were supposed to go to a nearby city to just go out and have fun together. I let her drive and on the way there she was trying to convince me that I would not have had fun with her in the places she was going and I would have been better going somewhere else ... simply said, she did not want to spend any time with me. That was pretty clear. There was always hope before when I was doing the errands. There was no more hope now.

When we where in the city (I have no idea what city), the place in the dream was a relatively small yard like you would see in some European older buildings area where to leave the car. It is a little hard to explain. Maybe a picture will help. 

Can you see that main door in the middle of the picture? Some of them are large enough for vehicles and they lead into an enclosed yard between the buildings walls. I was trying to find a picture of the actual yard for a better rendition. 

I am digressing quite a bit now LOL.

Back to my dream.

From the yard where we left the car we went upstairs inside the building in a dining room that was quite dark. There I told her to just go ahead and have fun and that I would wait for her until one in the morning. I asked her to be on time as we still had to drive back home and the next day we had the trip to take her back home. She was very happy leaving as I was not going along with her.

She came back at the agreed time and she commented "see, I can be a good girl and come back when you told me". I just had nothing else to say. We drove back and the next day after a silent trip, I dropped her at her house, helped her bringing inside her bag and as i was leaving she asked me "Are you not going to say anything?". My answer was simple: "There is nothing to say". And I left as the dream ended.

I was left with a profound sense of loss and at the same time a sense of closure.

I was just somebody that gave her attention and love when she needed it, but once received she moved on to new experiences and "friendships". It was never love from her, let's be clear on that. It was just a temporary need. 

Yes yes, I knew that for long time even if I made several attempts to reconnect. 

At this point I feel this dream was the end of a big chapter.

No, my feelings have not changed as they are spontaneous, not fabricated. For me it was not a temporary adventure.

It will always be with me, but I believe (I hope) I made peace with myself about it.