Tuesday, November 29, 2016

One night of very little sleep with thoughts churning and turning in my head.
Sometimes it is needed to sort among all the feelings, the projections and constructions that I make up in order to discard what is probably just a creation of my overthinking.
It is my way to finally accept an emotional situation that causes me harm. 
At the end, it is of no fault of the other side. I cannot ask them to reciprocate what I feel. 
They have their own priorities, feelings and emotions. They cannot sense what I sense. Hence I am just going to hurt myself.
Take a step back, Hagi. Or two and three. In fact, cross the road and walk the other side.
If I want to protect myself, I need to just step away. I will be asked "What's wrong?". I could answer, the truth ... I am overly sensitive to certain relationships and persons with whom I interact; as you do not reciprocate anymore (if ever) as changes occur, I feel an emptiness and loss inside.


Boo Hoo. Cry me a river, Hagi.



About 3 weeks ago I started writing what you will see below. It was left in draft, so never posted. I completely forgot about it and with other things happening, it is hurting just reading it.

"Saying that I am emotionally confused would be an understatement.
Maybe not confused ... more like in a state of incredulity, expectation or anticipation.
Sincerely I do not even know how to describe or explain in a clear manner.
I am trying to stay relatively distant with my emotions and not get as involved as before in a friendship that caused me pain. That in itself is somewhat painful. And yet, I am allowing it.
... mmm ... I am saying I am allowing it like I have a choice. Unfortunately or fortunately I do not have a choice as I have no control over my soul and the directions it wants to take" 

 I am not confused anymore. This turns out to be more unfortunate. Knowing that what was there before is no more, thinking or knowing that it was never reciprocated from the other side anyway, just leaves an emptiness and pain inside. I allowed this to try again in some hope of what I do not know and it was a mistake as it just hurts.
I do not even know what to say anymore as I have the impression I am not listened as what I feel is not reciprocated and never was.
So, what is left? Sorrow every time we briefly talk as it is clear I am nothing more than another acquaintance.

And tonight another stab in the back by someone else. I believe they do not even realize it as they are superficial in their relationships with friends. Nonetheless a stab in the back from someone I have known almost 4 years and one almost 2 years.

Yes, it must be me and how I see and feel relationships deeper. Unless I found someone that can reciprocate at the same level, it will be one disappointment after another.

I feel it is time to become more isolated, do my own things and politely avoid everyone else unless they are casual friends and nothing more. No deeper involvement.
Maybe a coincidence, maybe not. A true friend of mine posted a link to a page with an explanation about the desire to not exist anymore. I interpreted more like just disappear and not having to worry anymore about others, to not be a burden to anyone and just ... not being there.

Tonight I am seriously contemplating to just not be there anymore.

I am just tired of hurting ... just tired