LET THE FIRE SWEEP THE ALREADY SCORCHED EARTH

Nah. Just a beautiful sunrise in Texas. Awesome colors and no, I was not using any filter or special effects.

Let's see what other pictures I have (...digging through folders).

The following seems scary weather, but it really was just the lighting of the sun through a first layer of clouds and creating these dark shadows on the clouds. 

Pretty cool, or at least I think so <<< That is all that matters HAHA

So, I clean my monitors with disinfecting wipes and now they have a bunch of streaks. I know, I know ... I should have used actual screen cleaner, but I have none.

I had a strange dream a couple of nights ago.

I was back into a military system as a new recruit or maybe conscripted again. I was on a floor with a long hallway and several rooms to the side and I was looking for a room with a free bed (bunk) as in each room there were from 20 to 10 to just 4 beds. It appeared they were all taken as people had left something on the bed to show that it was occupied. The other people were my friends from the Military Academy times. Some of their faces were so clear. some were friends, some I did not care much to associate with, just like it happens in real life when people gravitate toward certain groups and certain people. I was deliberately avoiding certain room with people I did not spend much time during my Academy times and finally I found a free bed in a room at the end of the hallway. Nobody else was there, but the other beds had some sort of token to indicate they were taken. All the rooms were on the left side of the hallway. The right side had other rooms, but they were all like small apartments, much nicer, and of course off limits to us. I guess we were grunts or newbies at this facility.

After i put my stuff down I walked around to get myself oriented with the area. And I was in my underwear!!! WTF!!!  Best part, I did not care and nobody else cared. There was one thought in my mind: they were supposed to provide us with everything. I guess I did not get "my stuff", so of course I was going around in my underwear. HA HA ... yes, pretty weird. 

I do not know if it was underground or just a huge building, but on the other side of the "nice rooms" on the right, there was a mall with shops and a lot of people.I think the "setup" was for our free time so we had a place to go and spend money.

Just weird. Very realistic in the details. I had a feeling that I was not ready for action, as I did not have my equipment (well, duh, going around in my underwear).

Moral of the dream? Always be prepared. I am going to go buy more bullets this afternoon to feel "more prepared" HAHAHAHAHA.

Someone has reminded me to update my blog, so here I am again to add a few thoughts. 

Where to start ... mmmm

Pictures sometimes do not need any explanation, like the one above. I think I never felt as relaxed as this kitty in the picture. She is the one I call "Hanna Montana" as she has the best of two worlds: she goes out and have fun; she comes in to eat and sleep.

Here in Texas we have some pretty sunsets, especially when there are some storms developing just at the right moment.

It is my opinion that this is a cool picture as there is a ghost coming out of the right side of the big cloud.

You do not see it? Maybe in this next picture.

Can you see the "Ghost" now? 

And if you look closely at the ext picture, you may be able to discern the Four Riders of the Apocalypse.

 Just kidding. I just thought it was a pretty shot with the contrast.

I am just filling this with pictures and not saying much. but I have one more totally unrelated as you can see on the right. I am still occasionally playing that game Vindictus. They had some updates and they "merged" the Australian, West and East North America servers into a single server. There was a "Rise" update that all it did was partially killing the game as the first 2 seasons (out of 3) are now so easy (ex-raids included) that you can solo the whole thing with stock equipment. And i am talking about the one that you get free as you progress through the story. Anyway, before I digress too much ... when you join a party to run a mission, the staging area is like the docks to get to a boat, so if the player that created the party does not want a player or they are waiting for a friend or similar, they can "kick" a player off the boat (off the party). Side note: make the boats private if you are waiting for specific people and invite them, do not leave them public and keep kicking people off. ... I am digressing HAHA.

Before, when you were kicked from a boat you were just going back to town. Now they added the message above in green. WTF??? Really??? Did someone at Nexon just came back from a sensitivity class? I would prefer something like "YOU GOT KICKED" HA HA HA :)

Come on, fix your bugs and bring back the classic 8-man raids and stop going to sensitivity classes.

The game Fortnite looks pretty interesting even if right now they just have the early access "Battle Royale" mode.

I am thinking to update Firefall. That was a fun game. Or go into Black Desert Online again with more interest. Vindictus is kinda boring now and all I am doing is the daily to get the tickets for some special boxes for the next character called Miri. Seems interesting and i will play some with Miri just to see the play style. Which means I need a name. "Miri, the last Draker".

Miry, Myry, Miker, Mimi, Momo ... :D ... Momo, the flying monkey from Avatar The Last Airbender.

SugarMama ... no, she needs a sugar mama, she does not need to be one. 

Let's talk about whatever comes to mind. 

First, I finally cleaned some of my weapons. Not all of them yet, but half. I had to purchase new cleaning rods as the flimsy aluminum ones are just sucky. I bought some brass ones and a compact set for my M400 with steel rods. Much much better. The M400 was filthy. 

Found this little baby in the garage just by the door to the house. Of course t had to be relocated to the field across the road. With the change in temperature they are starting to move around. I would not say they are looking already for a winter den (we are too far from winter temperatures), but nonetheless they are moving. I have not seen many snakes around the house this year; in fact this was the first, but our resident "barn cat" and the Road Runner are taking care of them.

 

These wood spiders (or St. Andrea Cross or whatever they are) are back. They were gone for a while during the drought, I am happy to see them back in different locations. This is by the front door on the right side against the brick wall and it greets our guests using the front door.


 
Well, talking about the front door, it had a facelift from the old-style painted in white with dark green in the middle and trims to a wood-looking one. Not real wood. The door has a core of solid wood, but the surface is actually metal. Anyway, I like it and looks a lot classier.
Now I have to order a new storm door because of course the local Lowe's and Home Depot do not stock in store the one I want ... of course...




Have you ever had a morning where you are supposed to be a little earlier and everything works against you including the typical big harvester that the driver can't really keep going straight down the road?Why did I not pass it? Have you really seen those things driving down the road? They are all over the place as the driver can barely keep them going a certain direction. They are made for plowed fields, not far a smooth road.

What else is new lately... oh yeah ... this was funny (at least for me not for the "main character" of the story).
01:35 AM. Get woken up by dogs fighting like madmen (madgirls) JUST UNDER THE BEDROOM WINDOW. I knew they got something, but it was not the usual bark when they trap a small animal or similar. This was a fight. I swear from the noise it sounded like one of my girls got hold of something and was slamming it against house wall and backyard fence. You know how a dog does grabbing something with the mouth and shaking it. Same thing. Did not last long, just the few seconds it took me to jump out of bed and open the nightstand drawer to get a flashlight. Harley (the Golden Retriever) was also barking during the fight, but more like a backup "barker", probably because the girls were taking front row and did not give him any space.
When I opened the garage door to go see if something was still out there, my two sweet girls (you have seen their pictures before, the two pit-bull mixes) came into the garage all meek like they new they did something wrong. They went sit down and when I told them to stay they actually did   O_O
Harley was out hiding in his spot when he knows he is in trouble. First thing I thought was that they killed a neighbor dog or something like that.
This is what I found. No, it is not the Chupacabra (sorry for the bad picture). It is a coyote so terrorized that it did not move from the corner. And yes, that is one of the bedroom windows.
Of course I felt sorry for poor Willie (the Coyote) and told him to go away.

I came back minutes later and Willie was still there and had not moved a muscle. My dogs were in the garage probably still thinking they were in trouble (of course they were not). So again I told Willie to scoot and go home. He started making this growl that was not really a growl. More like a moan-growl and sounded like he was saying "What the fuck were those, man? What the hell do you keep in the backyard? And why in the fuck is there a doggie door on the fence for them to get out?". Well, the doggie door is mainly for Harley as he was just breaking through the fence when he wanted out. The girls just jump the fence. Yes, even the three legged one.
I swear he was telling me all about his ordeal. Did not matter I was trying to explain that the two gangbangers ... cough ... girls ... are really very very sweet. He did not believe a word I said.
After that I just went to bed and kept the doggies in the garage so they would not chase Willie again. Of course he was gone when i checked again in the morning. I doubt he will get close to the house again. Ever.

Some days are better than others, which means some are worse. My mind goes back to memories, elaborates possibilities, lives made up situations over and over like trying to find the perfect combination of events.

When I was a kid I always wanted to have a backpack full of all the necessities to survive. I guess I always been a Prepper in a way. I remember laying in my bed at night before falling asleep imagining the backpack and all the pockets to the most minute details. Most of times was spent imagining the supplies, tools and all the items and exactly how they would have packed. Then I would repeat the whole process to memorize what I had in my imaginary backpack. I remember rearranging as I was thinking at different or additional items. Maybe it was a form of OCD, but it helped me fall asleep. 

... mmm ... or maybe it kept me awake longer. Details.

I am doing the same now, often without even consciously doing it: where could it happen, under what circumstances, what would I say, how would I answer ... go back a few steps and redo trying to get a better outcome. I doubt there is a chance it will ever happen anyway. I promise I would not bother her anymore or call or search for her. As hard as it is, I have to maintain that promise. I already broke it once sending a short happy birthday text for her daughter. I felt it would have been rude not to at least remember her birthday. It was completely ignored anyway so that is a good indication that I am not even taken into consideration. Better that way. Makes it easy to maintain that promise.
I know it is my mind making all these fantasies up, but I feel sometimes my mind has a "mind" of its own. Is that the definition of crazy?

If that is the case, than I have always been like this, which makes it my normal state. Hence, I am normal. HAHA

The basic thing is that I hope she is doing well and that Life is been nice to her. Of course I still care. My feelings have not changed even if I am still hurting; even if they do not matter anymore.

Major project at work practically completed as far as implementation. Of course this does not mean that we are done as maintaining a new double set of firewalls with all the "blades" turned on, including the kitchen sink, is really a full time job. 

Every time I think about this new network perimeter configuration, Battlestar Galactica comes to mind. Who is not familiar with BG and the Cylons? Go Google it.

All the computers on the ship were isolated and running as single entities as the crew was afraid the Cylons could hack them and gain access. But in a particular episode, they had to turn on the networked systems (I do not remember the reason why) and they could keep them on only a few minutes as the Cylons immediately detected the "online system" and started to break the digital barriers to gain control. In that episode they are showing a console representing the operation of several layers of firewalls and they were counting down the time as the Cylons were breaking through them one after the other. Of course the humans were able to do what they needed just in the nick of time.

Good show ... initially ... That was the 2004-2009 series, not the one from the 1970s. 

 "I am only human, I make mistakes ... don't put the blame on me"

Have you America lately? 

Well, let's see ... I got out a few weapons out to let my cousin visiting from the mother land shoot and have fun. She is like 100 pounds with wet clothes on, but she did good. She complained the 20 gauge was kicking a little more than the other weapons. It was loaded only with regular 7 1/2 shots. I should have let her try the 12 gauge with 000 shots and see if she would fall backwards, but I did not want my gun to be dropped. 

So, we "played" with the .22 decked as tactical with red dot and all, the 20 Gauge, the M400 (AR style), and of course the 9 mm handguns.

She liked the best the .22 as it was easy and precise. She took the targets with all the shots in a tight group home. She was proud of them. She wanted to take home some of the used shells as souvenir, but I advised against it considering how much the airlines people are on the edge nowadays.

And as I left my coffee cup in the garage on top of a cooler, I found one of the hooligans drinking from it.

I guess they wanted to America too.

Hooligans = Teppiste  

May 2017.
I have reached a point of relative numbness, so I think I am getting better. Life goes on. Being busier than one-arm paper hanger helps too. Yes, I know it is a very old saying, but an older colleague of mine uses from time to time.
I still miss her. I still think about her every day. I still feel an emptiness. I still have a full life, with the exception of that hole. Would I admit it to her? I do not think so. It would just make me appear needy. But that is not going to be an issue as all the connections have been cut. And I am pretty sure she is not even missing me. She was not before, when I was still trying to talk to her.

Ok. Move on Hagi.

You look for me 

Inside the dark 

I am the ocean

You are the shark 

You hunt me like

Your last goodbye 

Oh fallen angel 

Of the night 

Just take my heart 

Just rip it out 

This holy skin 

It's falling out 

I lay my body 

On the bed 

One day, someday 

You know I will see you again 

I put my hand against your plastic heart 

No, suicide is not the plan, stand up 

Even the stars are trapped inside, oh my 

There's nothing left to hide 

There's nothing left to die 

There's nothing left to die

Nothing has changed.
Still feeling an emptiness.
When I am very busy I do not think about it.
When I stop for a minute, it is there, lurking, ready to hit me.
When I lay down to rest I think about it.
From a logical point of view, if I love this person I should be happy to accept what she wants and does. True love is total acceptance no matter what, reciprocated or not.
Spiritually, I am missing a piece that has been ripped out.
How do I reconcile that?

There's a Hole In My Soul
That's been killing me forever
It's a place where a garden never grows
There's a Hole In My Soul
Yeah, I should have known better
Cause your love's like a thorn without a rose
(Aerosmith)

Even if I try to stay away, I keep going back to the same thoughts over and over. That is because certain feelings are true and they are not something I can turn off. As I said before they are there and there is nothing I can do.
Somehow I need to find a way to ignore these thoughts and feelings. I think I am doing good and have accepted the situation, made a reason out of it, put it all behind me ... and here I am at it again.
I KNOW! What I feel is not reciprocated, probably it never was anyway. Realizing that, it  helps me stay away, but that all is doing. The emptiness and the festering feeling of lost hope are still there. How can I fill that space so I can heal?

New year has started. My Italian cousin is trying to make me read the Horoscope for Taurus and all the forecasts.

After the total bust in the emotional department last year which was supposed to be the "Year of the Taurus", I do not even care to read about this year. 

All I can say is "2016 a Year to forget" for certain things.

Let me just say a few things to set the tone today.

1. GO TRUMP
2. Have you America today? 

 Number 2 above ^ simply is asking if you have done something to celebrate the greatness of this Country. That would include running around outside waving a giant American Flag, or go practice shooting (in a safe and responsible manner). That does NOT mean going to the streets and whine about your Obamaphone that I hope soon will not work anymore just as a symbol of the other idiotic things that have been shoved down our throat this past 8 years.

Yes, I am white, middle-class, live in Texas ... OH SHIT ... I am a LEGAL immigrant and naturalized citizen. GO TRUMP!!!

Is helping someone teaching them how to shoot and let them practice on your land qualifies as "Have you America today?" activity? I believe so.

I have a coworker that went through the process of getting her Concealed Handgun License (CHL), but had not practiced since that class (2 years ago). She asked if I could help her to practice a little so I have invited her to my house as I have a setup where we can practice shooting. I am not going into the details of all the corrections she needed. Let's say that she was closing her eyes anticipating the "BOOM" and as she was closing her eyes her hands moved and she was shooting kneecaps or feet (figuratively). After some practice and several pointers she was doing much much better. 

She also told me that other 3-4 ladies have acquired a gun after they had a class with one of our Security Officers for personal protection, but have no real chance to practice. She asked me if I was willing to teach them too.  These are all people working for the lady that came to my place.

Of course I said that I am willing to help. So, I can say that "I America" that day and hopefully will do several others.