February 2016, my previous post. Not sure where I was going with that, but evidently I lost more than my train of thoughts.

Few things happened these past few months.
Friends became more like acquaintances and from there they have turned into ghosts of my past, no matter if I tried to reconnect. Some old friends that I thought were gone are back, one from Texas and one from Utah. And without knowing, I was a strong influence in someone's life, and I cannot say I am proud of it ... on the contrary.
Life has a way to just come back and grab you by the horns and wrestle you down to the ground. And if you do not have horns, it just trips you.   :) as a Taurus, I have horns.
I feel that it is easier to talk about it now.
Several years ago i went to Denmark with some friends on vacation. It was more a trip through Germany, Netherlands, Denmark and back, but we stopped about a week in Copenhagen. We were young and just finished the third year at the Italian Air Force Academy. So what do we do the first night in Copenhagen? We go to Discos and Bars, of course. I met a girl ... no, not just "a girl". I met Heidi. To tell the truth, she kinda just grabbed me and we spent a little time together. Beautiful girl, tall as me, but she had some long flowing skirts that pretty much covered everything. We kissed, we danced (not in that order) and she told me to meet her at a Mall. If I remember correctly, it was actually at Copenhagen Central Station. The ground floor is like a huge mall with shops and restaurants. To be sincere I did not think she was going to show up for a boy she briefly met at a disco. She gave me the impression she may have had one drink too many, so my expectations were set pretty low. I was with my friends and I told them that she may be there at 19:00 (yes, I remember the time perfectly). And there she was already waiting for me. First thought: "FUK, I made her wait", but I was actually right on time. Second thought that immediately took over "FUK she is so beautiful". She was dressed completely different with some nice pants and a leather jacket. Saying she was stunning would be an understatement.
I will not bore you with the details of the next few days (that is between me and her), but it came the time to leave. I gave her one of my baseball caps with the Academy logo and we parted. We kept in contact through phone and mainly letters ... yes, actual paper that you write on, fold and put on an actual envelope. At that time we did not have email, social medias... hell we did not have cell phones yet.
When I came to US for training I lost contact. My letters were unanswered and I thought that she moved on, knowing that I was in US and she had her plans for her life.
What I did not know is that she was writing back and she did not get my letters. She told me that after a while with no answer, she was angry, sent a pretty harsh mail and she stopped writing. I never got any of those mails that were sent to my house in Italy and my parents were supposed to forward to me. I do not want to make conjectures on why as now it is too late.
I never forgot about her and always had a thought thinking if she was happy, what her life was like ... once social medias were established, I searched for her from time to time, then I stopped as I was not able to find her. Until few months back. I do not know why, but I was thinking about her and looked on Facebook with the account I created just for the friends from that game I play (Vindictus). And there she was. Heidi.
It took me a couple of months to just get the courage to send her a message in FB just asking if she remembered a young Italian boy from several years back. Oh, my FB account is using my game name, not my real life name.
No answer for almost a month. then there it was "Yes, an Italian boy called ... from ...". I honestly felt my heart stop for several seconds. I had to explain why the different name on the FB account and we started talking. I found strange she had one request: "If we do this (talking) it will be only as friends". I replied of course, we have not spoke to each other in so long we did not know each other. Little by little we talked more and opened up more, like old friends.
She never forgot about me either. It took her 10 years after those short days together and the few letters we exchanged before she was able to move on and find someone else. That alone made me feel like someone punched me in the guts as i was the cause even if indirectly of part of her life being alone without a partner.
Then she told me the rest. She finally found someone and they were living together, not married yet, but she was 6 month pregnant. Her companion found that hat I gave her when we parted (remember I mentioned it ... it was not just a random memory) and put it on kinda joking. She became furious, saying that the hat was her and he should not have touched it. In that moment she realized that she was still in love with me. She grabbed her things and left. She raised her son alone, never married, never found another companion.

Now let that sink in a little.

No matter what, I am the cause for that. You may think I was not responsible as I did not know and we lost contact ... does not help. I already tried to rationalize it. It does not change the fact that I influenced her life to the point that she has been alone. Yes, she said she is okay, and has a wonderful son and all is forgiven.
But can you imagine how I felt? How I feel? A punch in the guts would be welcomed. Several, until I would be spitting blood. 

I did tell her I was married, I told her about my kids. We kept talking. We mentioned Soulmates. She said we can have several soulmates, but there is only one Twin Flame.
Is she my Twin Flame? She said I am hers, which makes her mine. Yes. I can believe that.
If you do not know the difference between soulmate and Twin Flame, just go search it.
She had a picture on her Facebook page, but I cannot access it anymore as I have been blocked. But here on the right is a good representation.
In retrospect, we... I... should have kept the communication only as friends, but I do not think it would have made too much difference at the end.
I mentioned once that I was going to my in-laws and that was it. She said she cannot do this as I am married. She blocked me from the only way I have to communicate to her through FB messaging.

Another blow to the guts.
I do not think I have any left.

After this I started limiting my online presence, deleting contacts that are no longer talking to me for whatever reason; closing accounts like Skype that are not used anymore. Oh, I did try to reach first, then remove if no answer was received. It is life, right? We move on.

I find hard to move on when I loose friends. It's that ...cking empathy I have.