Before you ask, no, last night I did not even think about turning on the PS4 and allow Destiny to download the update. But I feel I am justified in not thinking about it after last night.

Not the time for other things to happen. I need to start climbing out the hole, not dig it even deeper.

What happened last night? My problem, I just did not need it at this time in which I am already in the dumps. 

I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling myself
Fuck everyone else

Those are words from the song "My Name is Human", by Highly Suspect. I have been listening pretty much all day in a loop. The deep base guitar matches my mood.

I'm up off my knees, girl
I'm face to face with myself
And I know who I am
(Hello, my name is human)

Do I know who I am? Sometimes I wonder myself. Hagi, who are you? Who really are you inside? 

So figure it out or don't figure it out
I figured it out
The bigger the river (the bigger the river)
The bigger the drought (the bigger the drought)

Hello, my name is Human.

Hello, my name is Hagi.

Hello, my name is ... AH AH ... fooled you.

"I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling myself". 

I think I am realizing that I should just be alone, after all. I do not mean it physically. I am not going on a mountain cave and be a hermit. If I could only have friends without feeling all the emotional ties. Hello, my name is Spoagi. It is a combination of Spock (the half vulcan) and Hagi.

I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself. It is a state of mind. As I said, I need to walk on the other side of the road and just go my way.
Let's see how long I last before I go back and retrace my steps, feeling depressed again ... blah blah ...
How does that saying go?

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me thrice ... what the f... What the Hell was I thinking!?!

Yeah, well ... I guess I was hoping for the best and I got shafted ... again.

Ok Hagi, ENOUGH!!! You hashed this over and over and the conclusion is always the same. Accept it and move on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moving on.
"Thrice" is also the name of an American rock band. The first time I heard of them was on the radio when they played "Black Honey". Check it out. Nice music. The words are easy to interpret. Even if I do not agree with some of the concepts expressed in the song, I still like it. In fact, I am listening to it right now.

I really wanted to play Destiny the other day. Turned on PS4, started game, 40+ GB update ... of fucking course ...
If you do not know, my Internet connection is relatively limited and a 40 GB download is several hours in the making. Anyway, will have to start the download before going to bed and let it run next day while at work. And yes, I forgot to do it. Maybe I will remember tonight.

One night of very little sleep with thoughts churning and turning in my head.

Sometimes it is needed to sort among all the feelings, the projections and constructions that I make up in order to discard what is probably just a creation of my overthinking.

It is my way to finally accept an emotional situation that causes me harm. 

At the end, it is of no fault of the other side. I cannot ask them to reciprocate what I feel. 

They have their own priorities, feelings and emotions. They cannot sense what I sense. Hence I am just going to hurt myself.

Take a step back, Hagi. Or two and three. In fact, cross the road and walk the other side.

If I want to protect myself, I need to just step away. I will be asked "What's wrong?". I could answer, the truth ... I am overly sensitive to certain relationships and persons with whom I interact; as you do not reciprocate anymore (if ever) as changes occur, I feel an emptiness and loss inside.

Boo Hoo. Cry me a river, Hagi.

About 3 weeks ago I started writing what you will see below. It was left in draft, so never posted. I completely forgot about it and with other things happening, it is hurting just reading it.

"Saying that I am emotionally confused would be an understatement.
Maybe not confused ... more like in a state of incredulity, expectation or anticipation.
Sincerely I do not even know how to describe or explain in a clear manner.
I am trying to stay relatively distant with my emotions and not get as involved as before in a friendship that caused me pain. That in itself is somewhat painful. And yet, I am allowing it.
... mmm ... I am saying I am allowing it like I have a choice. Unfortunately or fortunately I do not have a choice as I have no control over my soul and the directions it wants to take" 

 I am not confused anymore. This turns out to be more unfortunate. Knowing that what was there before is no more, thinking or knowing that it was never reciprocated from the other side anyway, just leaves an emptiness and pain inside. I allowed this to try again in some hope of what I do not know and it was a mistake as it just hurts.

I do not even know what to say anymore as I have the impression I am not listened as what I feel is not reciprocated and never was.

So, what is left? Sorrow every time we briefly talk as it is clear I am nothing more than another acquaintance.

And tonight another stab in the back by someone else. I believe they do not even realize it as they are superficial in their relationships with friends. Nonetheless a stab in the back from someone I have known almost 4 years and one almost 2 years.

Yes, it must be me and how I see and feel relationships deeper. Unless I found someone that can reciprocate at the same level, it will be one disappointment after another.

I feel it is time to become more isolated, do my own things and politely avoid everyone else unless they are casual friends and nothing more. No deeper involvement.
Maybe a coincidence, maybe not. A true friend of mine posted a link to a page with an explanation about the desire to not exist anymore. I interpreted more like just disappear and not having to worry anymore about others, to not be a burden to anyone and just ... not being there.

Tonight I am seriously contemplating to just not be there anymore.

I am just tired of hurting ... just tired

One weekend away from everything. One weekend to not think at anything. One weekend to just get rid of some stress and tension.
Finally that weekend is here. No, I do not have many expectations as long as I can just leave everything behind for a couple of days.

I have been listening to the songs you can see on the left these past few days. To be precise, the first two in the list, I found today. I have to say that "America" by Deuce is ... matching my mood and it will be my "Christmas period" soundtrack. HA HA  That will require some explanation if you listen to the song, which by the way it is PRO America. This is more a joke with my coworkers, but not too far from reality. With the approaching of Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons (yes, I do not say "holidays" ... listen to the song words and you will understand my attitude toward all this political correctness bullshit) ...
... where was I ... With the approaching of Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons, it appears that people driving around become total idiots. Yes, I know, one of the reasons is because there is a little bit more traffic and everyone comes out for shopping, and see decorations from Halloween to Christmas ... that said,  get in my "Christmas mood" which can be summarized as "MOVE THAT F... PIECE OF S..IT", or "GET OFF THE F... PHONE YOU F..KTARD", and similar. Now, I am careful not to say them out loud with certain people if they are driving with me, but my coworkers have been exposed and have experienced "Hagi Christmas mood" and it has become a matter of joking and laughing.

Today for the first time after my knee injury I was able to jump rope. It felt good and it is a fast pace aerobic exercise. I have not started jogging again as that what caused it to flare up last time. I will wait a little longer and see if tomorrow I will pay with pain for the rope jumping. If not, at least I can do some high intensity aerobic and hopefully get off this plateau I hit.

I came to the realization that empathic people like me would be better alone which is in itself a contradiction. If you are empathic, it is because you feel what other people are feeling so how can you be alone. But because of that empathy, you also get attached at a deeper level to your friends and more than friends. Or so you consider them because of the deeper connection YOU feel. Unfortunately, if they do not feel the same, they will drift away and you are left with a void that cannot be replenished.
Maybe it would work better if an empathic person could find another empathic person as friend... but how rare is that?
Another thing that can hurt a lot is how people use words without really considering their true meaning. Love for example is continuously misused. Is it really love or just a phase because you are temporarily attracted to someone either physically or because of their attentions toward you or because you believe they represent something it was missing in your life? Or maybe it is a lie just to have fun. And lies hurt the most. I will leave it at that.
Words are powerful. Words should be used with proper intent.
Not many people do that. So actions are more important than words. Actions are the words of the empathic person. Words and actions have the same importance and they have to match.
Very rare indeed.
So here is the conundrum: would it be better for an empathic person to isolate him or herself to avoid getting hurt? But if you are indeed empathic, do you realize how hard that is?
Fucked if you do, fucked if you don't.
I am who I am and I am fucked. Not in the good way either.

Life has a strange sense of humor sometimes. And yes  am being sarcastic, so not humorous at all. This was supposed to be the “Year of the Taurus”. I guess they forgot to say that does not apply to all Tauruses. A small percentage will have the “Year that Taurus will try to forget”.

No reason to dwell in something I cannot control, right? Easy to say and it would just make sense and be logical to not be bothered by what you cannot control. I tell this to other people and mostly I am able to follow this precept, but my mind keeps racing back to a couple of experiences and situations; keeps churning, keeps digging in my memories … Keeps bringing shit up.

Everything seems to keep remind me of these situations: an old song; the words of a song I never heard before, but they are creepingly “appropriate”; a fucking finance business with the name of another city and staring at me as billboard; a Pepsi because the fucking restaurant does not have cokes in the sodas machine … I know that it is my mind looking for those things, but can I have a break?